Resistance never feels good.
It's presence is always an indicator of a mis-alignment with our soul and our actions... of being-ness.
In this insance addiction was my cover up for all that was under the surface that I DID NOT want to feel. I was doing anything but feeling it...
I didn't want to look inwards...
I didn't want to feel it...
I could feel the emotions, the energy, all that was ready to be felt and released building and it was becoming overwheming.
I knew it was going to be uncomfortable and my ego was doing a damn good job of convincing me so.
It wasn't until I had a session with my mentor that I began fully looking inward and allowing myself to feel it.
I knew she would hold up a mirror for me so I could remember my truth. She does it in such a beautiful way, but leading up to the session, I was still nervous to look in the mirror.
The thing was, I'd fallen back into an old pattern that i thought I was done with.
A pattern of addiction to cover up how I was really feeling.
A patter that on the outside looked like I was trying to rush to make my whole life's work happen in a matter of months, rather than let it unfold over a life time.
And this was the truth.
I was eager for my journey to unfold.
I wanted the next chapter, I wanted to experiece it.
I've seen so many visions and felt her presence.
But impatitnely, I was trying to drag her into the now, when she is clearly not for right now.
And I finally realised that's ok.
She doesn't fit now.
She's too big for me right now.
But what I do know, is that everything I'm being called to do now, is a stepping stone toward her unfolding.
I also know I needed to remember that I am exacly where I need to be and that it perfect in it's wholeness, if I truly let myself see and feel it.
In my rush to make my life's work unfold in a matter of months, I was masking the emotions I didn't want to feel with work addiction.
This became acutely apparent when on a recent family holiday to Thailand.
I was addicted to checking my phone, my emails, my social media, my texts, messanger, all of it. I still feel pangs of guilt and shame arising, clearly some emotions still to be feel.
I was not fully IN Thailand with my family at all.
I was stuck in a place between, in no mans land and it was f*%king uncomfortable.
I was so desperate for this time in paradise with my beautiful family, yet a part of me was stuck in my ego and the need to do, do, do.
When I finally began to rise above the fog after a chat with my hubby, more than happy to hold up the mirror that I was avoiding. It hit me. I was doing, doing, doing in an effort to please others because I wasn't feeling enough.
How the heck has this surfaced again?
Judgement and resistance very quick to set in.
I took some deep breaths, grabbed my essnetial oils and began to feel it.
After a day of constant awareness and feeling to heal, I became one with my body and grounded in Thailand with my beautiful family.
I always know that when I'm in a pattern of addiction of any sort, social media, netflix, shopping, overthinking, eating sugar, whatever it is, that there is something I'm not wanting to look at in my inner world. It's all a cover up for what I'm not wanting to feel.
I'm so grateful for my divine hubby, so gently holding up the mirror for me when he could see I was stuck, and for my beautiful mentor always reminding me of how it truly is, and holding space for me to remember.
I must admit I do feel the hesitant walking into her room sometimes for a session, in anticipation of what I will be asked to feel and face head on. But when I feel like this, I know I need the courage to look inward and that when I do I will soften back to my truest place.
Today I begin a new moring ritual of yoga before everyone wakes. And emotionally checking in and releasing anything on the surface before my day begins. I have a feeling my morning intention for a while wil be patience and presence. Callng in all of me to be here and now and let that be perfectly enough.
Do you have someone you turn to in life who holds up a mirror for you?
What additions have crept back in?
What are those addictions covering up?
What's waiting there uderneath to be felt and released?
Feel free to comment below, lets share this journey together:)
Big love and hugs,